second revision
The latest version. Do you prefer this one?
Dame, you ask questions that ring the nerve-cells.
Squat at brown crossroads and sound our death-knell.
What walks on four legs, on two legs, three--? Tell.Laius and I know conundrums as well.
Squat at brown crossroads and sound our death-knell,
riddles and rimes to crack open our brains.
Laius and I know conundrums as well.
Why stone-cracked famine, cold orphans, dry plague?
I think you've got it here and these stanzas combine the best of your last two versions, though I'm assuming it's a typo having "Laius" at the end of the line with the riddle :).
ReplyDeleteHaving read the other versions (which many of the poem's final readers won't have seen), I miss "King" Laius. But I know you can't add any syllables to that line if you want to stay true to form and the line itself is too good to take anything else from. So all in all I'd vote for this version. Good job.
Oops!--yes, a typo.
DeleteI know what you mean about missing "King."
Edward, thank you so much, you've been an indispensable help.
Glad to know my comments have been of some help. And looking forward to seeing how the rest of the poem takes shape.
DeleteIf "Laius and" at the end of the riddle line is a typo..I think I like this one best..it's very together, you know, very much at peace with itself..if that makes sense..I'm looking forward to the rest of the poems as well!!!
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