Here I stand, glittering
and cold as a breathless fish.
Paradoxically, I aim to smolder, to catch
a spark and ignite.
Kiss me, don't look closely
at the waxy sheen preserving
rotting cells and brittle sinews.
This glamor lasts past midnight,
as long as you fancy.
So let me help you believe
my sunrise ancestors didn't
strike the heart like a poison
spear. I will love you (feebly)
into damnation. One day, you'll wake
in musty sheets, bloodless like an insect,
and wonder when the guts went out
of sinning.
Obvious Twilight references are obvious. However, this isn't a criticism. From a commentary on an movie photo of Edward and co. standing shirtless in a river (wth?), it went in a quite different direction.
A rough draft. Thoughts, comments, constructive feedback please.
I'm playing around with the blog banner, so you may see it change a couple of times within the next week.
This one is from a vintage fairy tale illustration of Rumpelstiltskin.
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I like it a lot. I'm leaning toward changing something in the connection between the 3rd and 4th stanza (but keeping the I will love you(feebly) as is..) But I don't know exactly what about it I'd change..
ReplyDeleteIt manages well to be refrencing Twilight without loosing out on the real vampire image..nice!
Thank you for the feedback.
DeleteReading it with your comments in mind, I think perhaps there needs to be another stanza. "Spear" drops into the following stanza, and it doesn't really fit. Maybe that would help ease the transition.
:)
By the way..I am absolutely in awe of your confidence in putting work out for input. That is so impressive, I'm not half as brave :)
ReplyDeleteOh, thank you! Perhaps it is more of the case that my desire to improve is stronger than my nervousness and sensitivity in putting it out there!
DeleteEvery now and then, I'll get a "I don't like it; it's bad" without any helpful advice about how to improve, and that sting takes a while to wear off.
But I've heard we writers are sensitive types. ;)
uber sensitive ;) I hate comments like that - the sting lasts so long, and I tend to get arrogant "obviously you didn't like it 'cause your ignorant" instead of trying to see why, but when there's no advice, it's hard to guess why it was rejected!
ReplyDelete